by Mark Green

Last updated 09:13, Saturday, 26 April 2008

Here’s a snippet of conversation I heard the other day: “Return to Herringbonetwistle sir? Will you be travelling today, next week or in 47 days’ time sir?

“The 47-day special rate return costs just £82, provided your outbound is between 10.02am and 10.17am and you don’t return on a Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning or any other day of the week.

“We are also offering special deals if you travel on a Thursday, at dusk, appreciate soft jazz and are a Sagittarian with three children under the age of two.

“There’s also a single saver; the speedy shuttle; super shopper; a swift half or the soft-scoop 99. It won’t take longer than 48 minutes for me to check if you qualify... Will you be travelling alone? Do you have insurance? Do you drive a Volvo one handed down country lanes on Sunday afternoons?”

“You could travel direct, or change at Nunthorpe, Bishop’s Finger, Vicartown or Clergy’s Bottom – but I’d have to check our specials for any of those...”

All the poor man wanted was to travel from point A to point B as easily and cheaply as possible. By rail.

Thankfully, from May 18, the vast variety of ridiculous fares and their alternatives will be shrunk to just three choices: advance, anytime and off-peak.

Not only will this make buying a ticket simpler, it may also mean we will have more time to catch the damn thing, instead of standing at a kiosk listening to the options.

Whatever, this is a major, long-overdue chug in the right direction for our rickety rail service.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if they also reintroduced guards with real powers to confiscate mobile phones and iPods that play too loud, put more carriages on to fit all the passengers in seats, ended delays and generally managed to run the system along the same lines as our European cousins?

Or perhaps I’m just on a one-way trip to dreamland...