I might be a tad indecisive, but I won’t kill you!

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18 August 2017 8:23AM

It's a bit pants being a person, isn’t it? We can’t even do anything cool. It’s not like we have giant wings and can soar above the clouds at will.

Even if we did have wings the only thing we’d utilise them for would be to head to Netto for some cans.

Plus, if we were in the mood for a terrifying, low-altitude flight we would probably just book with Ryanair.

Humanity as a species is so mundane. All we do is work, go on Facebook, eat, go back on Facebook, frequent Twitter then die.

There’s got to be more, hasn’t there?

Something that ties us to the mysteries of the universe, something that enables a higher power to channel our soul?

Well, there is... astrology!

I love star signs so much. My friends say I’m crazy and it’s a lot of hocus pocus, but I know better, I KNOW it’s true because I’m living proof! I’m a Libra – the most beautiful star sign.

The proof is in the pudding with this one… Libras are renowned for being incredibly indecisive.

Once I couldn’t decide between a Toblerone and a Daim. I was there for ages having a good feel of them, the assistant must’ve thought I was blind.

In the end I got both which proves my next point... Libra’s love luxury! That’s right. Hence why I ended up with both choccy bars… and 11 Curly Wurlies.

You see, astrology is real, people. Once I ended up meeting this dude in the pub and he was fit as. I was a bit ‘merry’ when he arrived so I launched right into a flirt attack.

But as soon as he told me he was a Gemini I was outta there! Geminis are insane; if you want to be pushed off a cliff or chained inside a suitcase then by all means date one.

He’s putting up a good façade now, mind.

He’s married, has kids, volunteers for some kids’ charity and fosters baby bunnies… that’s such an evil, Gemini trick!

The two-faced twin! Interested to see what the universe has to say about you?

Here we go…

Aries: Always has to be in charge, most likely to cook at a barbecue.

Taurus: Is never wrong, most likely to fracture ribs zipping up a dress four sizes too small.

Gemini: Split-personality, psycho, most likely to murder you and cry over your corpse.

Cancer: Nicest ever sign, most likely to get emotional… but that’s okay!

Leo: Showy, love themselves and shallow, most likely to take a selfie at a funeral.

Virgo: Bookish and boring, most likely to make you turn off ‘graphic’ Game of Thrones.

Libra: Is that a model?! Oh, it’s just me! Most likely to be in Vogue covered in Curly Wurlies.

Scorpio: Passionate, yet aggressive, most likely to cuddle/accidentally suffocate you.

Sagittarius: Speaks their mind and has strong beliefs, most likely to be chanting at a Labour rally.

Capricorn: Ambitious yet conservative, most likely to be a manager at RBS.

Aquarius: Detached and dreamy, most likely to be drunk and smiling a lot.

Pisces: Artistic and compassionate, most likely to make you a home-made card and dry your tears. I bet you’ve read the above and identified with your sign’s trait!

And if you don’t believe, you can just go back to Facebook and the land of the mundane! Star signs are here for you… it’s your destiny!

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