If anyone at the Times & Star is qualified to tackle the problem of killer clowns it is me.

Actually, I would go as far as to say I am the resident expert.

My qualifications are two-fold. The first is that I ran away to join the circus when I was 15. Admittedly, my career ended before it started because the nuns found me and dragged me back to school – but for one brief, shining moment, I almost belonged to a circus.

My next qualification comes from the fact that I dated a clown for several months.

This was when I was living in South Africa and he asked me out and I didn’t quite know how to say no.

In those days, before we had role models like Ellie Simmonds and Warwick Davies who are strong, confident people, I felt it would have been impolite and somehow prejudiced to say no to him because he was a dwarf.

Anyway, going out with him had definite benefits. If the circus was in town he was instantly recognisable, even without his make-up, and we would never go into a pub without someone buying us a drink.

Front row seats at the circus became the norm although I was embarrassed once when the fire eater called me into the ring to closely observe him enjoying a “light diet” – he was crunching and swallowing light bulbs!

I also got to spend some time on a circus train which was one of the most exciting and disappointing experiences of my life.

Once the make-up and glitzy costumes were off, these people could not have been more normal.

Circus people, it seems, are only circus people under the big top.

Some of the clowns were fun behind the scenes and others – like mine – were pretty grumpy. What none of them ever did, or ever wanted to do, was scare people. This stupid clown thing that is going on just now is just that – stupid!

Where is the fun in seriously scaring people, especially children and the elderly? How would one of these clowns feel if someone actually died of a heart attack in front of them?

It probably started off as a harmless joke and could still be one. Dressing up and shouting boo at the people you know is one thing. Running around in public scaring strangers is quite another – and carrying weapons, fake or real, is just plain criminal.

There are two days of the year I hate and, unfortunately, both are coming up soon.

The farthest away one is Guy Fawkes. I cannot understand why we are still setting fire to effigies of the man. Other than the fact that he tried to blow up parliament, what do you know about him? The stupidest thing is that we used to have Guy Fawkes in Zambia and New Zealand. Why?

I don’t mind organised firework displays for reasons other than this. Why not New Year’s Eve, for instance – and preferably where they are not scaring animals.

Then there is Halloween. Sure, it is cute to see kids dressed up and I am more than happy to give them sweeties and admire their costumes. But it has been hijacked. Not long ago we opened the door to three teenagers with bought rubber masks over their faces demanding Trick or Treat. It was two weeks before Halloween!

I am really concerned that this year the night will be hijacked by scary clowns.

If we have to have Halloween – and I don’t think we should have to – at least leave it for the little ones. A five-year-old clown wouldn’t scare people.

When it comes to Christmas and Easter I am as far from old Scrooge as you can get.

But when it comes to Halloween, no ghost, present, past or future, will sway me in my curmudgeonly dislike of this day when blackmail and fear become fun. So stop clowning around, idiots. If you really want to be a clown join the circus.