I hope you appreciate I’m not doing myself any favours here – I’m divulging secrets that I’d planned on taking to the grave, but stupidity compelled me to share my most recent escapades.

I was reading about how a lady was forced to travel elsewhere after her shower gave up on life and it got me reminiscing about a much happier time (only a few weeks ago).

My parents had booked themselves on a weekend break and idiotically left keys with their inept children. My brother and I were charged with house-sitting and caring for the dog, a rather large and boisterous fellow who I have absolutely NO control over (lest I wave a schmacko around).

I couldn’t believe my luck – their house is basically Versailles compared to mine and I couldn’t wait to spend a few days living it up in a place where broken appliances double up as garden furniture (I swear I’m going to move that washer, though I’m sure it’s being used by a scary, feral cat as a hotel).

First thing I did was head to the bathroom. HUGE. It even had proper tiled floors! Mine has two mismatched strips of carpet from the bedroom and living room cut-offs. Then things really started getting luxurious:

Quilted Andrex!

There was none of this two-square-only nonsense that goes down at my house. I wound half a roll around my hand-mummifying it completely for my pleasure. I was expecting an Old English sheepdog to gracefully fly in and start whistling show tunes – it was magical.

I noted that they had an overwhelming amount of this silken roll so I filled up a carrier bag to take home.

After soaking in the enormous bath tub for two hours (regularly emptying and refilling it), I headed to the kitchen to see what culinary delights awaited.

"There’s stuff in!" I squealed with delight. "All I have are 15 cans of beans and half a pint of milk that went off last week!"I set about picking up some groceries from the in-house shop. I helped myself to the necessities – bread, milk, wine, some Matchmakers I discovered that were already wrapped for Christmas and some humus (pretty sure it’s some sort of peanut butter substitute).

I’d managed to gather quite a few food items (as well as toiletries). I didn’t want to take the mick so I left them two rolls and a packet of gravy granules. That’d be plenty for them.

I knew I’d have to actually take care of the dog so I brought in three bin bags full of laundry from the car and set some smalls on a three-hour cycle while I took the dog for a walk.

I can’t normally control my jackhuahua so it was ‘interesting’ getting dragged across a wet patch of grass when a rabbit hopped by. Still, he needed the exercise being a big dog so I’m sure he appreciated the 10 minutes in the garden.

When I got back I noticed an indoor pool forming in the kitchen. I’d overfilled the washer. What do adults do in this situation? We panic and run away.

I left bro to take the hit (having removed the saturated evidence, of course).

At this moment in time I still have the key. Here’s hoping l’hotel de Mammy remains open for a while ‘cos I’m running low on TP.