Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine answers another set of reader dilemmas.

THE PROBLEM: I smacked my daughter and feel terrible

I’ve been married 12 years and have three children, the oldest of whom is 10. The past two years have been a complete nightmare.

We’ve had to cope with the death of four close friends, my father’s ongoing fight against terminal cancer, and my husband being made redundant. All that on top of the pandemic and home-schooling!

Fortunately, my husband has found another job and is back in work, but money is still very short as we have huge debts to repay.

We have all found it a huge strain and last week, I finally snapped. I just screamed at everyone.

On its own, that wouldn’t have been too bad, but I then lost my temper with my 10-year-old daughter for dropping her bread and jam (face down, of course) onto the kitchen floor.

I’d just finished cleaning and it felt like the last straw, so I smacked her.

I was immediately mortified and quickly cuddled her and said sorry. I explained that I had a lot to worry about at the moment, but that I loved her and would try never to repeat it.

Now I’m worried that as I’ve started hitting her, I might one day do it again and really cause some damage.

Please help me – I feel so guilty and worried, and I don’t want this to happen again.

FIONA SAYS: It sounds like counselling could help

Everyone snaps sometimes when they are under pressure, and you’ve had more than your fair share of grief and stress to cope with of late. Screaming at everyone probably helped a bit – it’s good to howl at the moon occasionally, it gets it out of your system.

Lashing out at your daughter though is concerning and an indication that you need help. From your horror at having done so – and if this is the first time you have resorted to smacking in 10 years – then I don’t think you need to worry too much.

It really doesn’t sound like it’s about to become a habit. I imagine that if you get some help, then you will almost certainly be able to get on top of what caused you to snap.

You did the right thing by apologising and cuddling your daughter, and I’m sure she’s old enough to understand that it was a one-off and that you still love her.

She may very well have been scared, though, and if your other younger children were witnesses to the incident, they may be anxious as well.

That said, you are still facing on-going problems and you may find that your control is again put under pressure as time goes by. I would definitely suggest you try and get some counselling – perhaps grief counselling first of all, for which I’d encourage you to contact Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk).

I’d also encourage you to talk to the Samaritans (Samaritans.org) too – or, at the very least, take time to look through their website. There is some very useful information on there about what to do if you’re feeling low or struggling to cope, as there are lots of things you can do to help yourself.

One of these is to talk about your problems with people you trust. You don’t mention your husband other than to say he’s found another job, but have you talked to him? I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been bottling up your feelings and your grief and not shared them with him.

Marriage is a partnership, though, and so I’d encourage you to share your anxiety, stress and concern with him – hopefully he will be able to help and support you. If not, then perhaps talk to a close friend or other family member.

Finally, keep the telephone helpline number of Family Lives close to hand – 0808 800 2222. It’s open Monday to Friday, 9am to 9pm, and weekends from 10am to 3pm. Next time you feel yourself close to exploding, call them instead.