If anyone could offer some assistance it would be greatly appreciated.

Please tell me, do washing machines normally sound like you’re cleaning a dozen bricks when you stick your whites on a 60-degree wash? I thought not.

So that’s something else I need to fork out for. Or is it?

If there’s one thing that makes me want to indulge in a massive face-palm it’s the thought of having to waste money on ‘necessities’.

You work your big bum to the bone for a bit of cash to treat yourself and before you can say “Just Eat” or “Yes, I will have that extra pint,” you find yourself getting ripped off at a garage for a new exhaust.

So how do I manage to live my celebrity lifestyle on a shoestring budget?

Careful planning? Saving? A sugar daddy?

Let me dish out some sound fiscal advice and you too can avoid wasting money on bills and repairs.

Let’s start with my naughty washing machine. Don’t bother dishing out a few hundred for the latest Beko or whatever, just use someone else’s!

Whenever an appliance breaks down I just rock up at a relative’s house, clutching a bag for life full of dirty kegs in one hand and my baby in the other.

I’ll feed them a sob story about how I can’t afford a new washer and can I borrow theirs just ‘once.’ ‘Once’ soon becomes twice a week, and if my new washer ever gets mentioned, I just wave the baby in their face.

Just make sure they don’t spy the ASOS bags you’ve collected from the sorting office when you’re getting your smalls out of the car.

Have a spare quid lying about? Why not get a scratchcard? True, I’ve spent more buying them than what I’ve won but hey, you’ve got to be in it to win it! Plus, you can use any dud as a ‘winning’ card to exchange for a tenner with your simple brother because you can’t make it down to the shop…

Be warned, if your sibling wants to check the card remember to use a strategically-placed finger.

Personally, I’ve never had this problem.

Have a night out planned? Make sure you have some drinks at a mate’s house before you go. I always take an empty Pepsi bottle and raid the drinks cabinet before the taxi arrives.

Taxi fare? I think I’ve left my purse at home so someone else has to pay. If this doesn’t work, you can promise to get a round in next time. Next time being some time next year when you’ve hit it big on a scratchcard.

Have faith, odds are you should win before you die.

Sick of using newspaper as a substitute for Andrex? Head down to the supermarket of mam and dad. Hint: a large jacket can conceal up to six rolls (three in each arm).

Need a top-up on petrol? Offer to ferry someone shopping then explain how a tenner is less than what they’d spend on taxis.

Then just don’t drive anywhere. Well, you can walk.

Okay, scrap that – just don’t drive anywhere further than the newsagents.

Follow these simple tips and you too can have enough spare cash to spend on the things that are most important in life, like you, shoes and monogrammed socks.

Don’t worry about your partner or kids. They’ll be amazed at your frugality and your socks.

Aaaahhh, fancy socks – now there is a necessity.