It’s only when April Fool’s Day comes around that you realise just how many idiots you’re surrounded by.

Do you know how many daft texts I woke up to on April 1? I had one informing me that someone I knew had won half a million on a scratch card (innocent enough), as well as a rather sinister one informing me that my favourite cereal had been laced with spores taken from a rather large and aggressive looking cold sore (they said it was The reason given was that it had something to do with Brexit, and since (seeing as though everything else seems to nowadays does, I almost bought this one).

I decided to play along myself and texted my brother to tell him that, unfortunately, I’d passed away due to eating contaminated cereal and al. I informed him that upon stuffing a few mouthfuls of sugar puffs into my mammoth gob I inexplicably grew the mother of all cold sore that s and sadly, it had consumed my face within five minutes (probably an improvement).But I did this from MY phone, as MYSELF. It took him a good 20 minutes and replying that ‘he couldn’t believe it’ until he questioned how a recently deceased person could text following their untimely demise. I would have mocked him though his arguments about social media knowing ‘everything’ and his theory that secret, government officials control our phones were quite convincing.

My mate Jen took her first breaths in this world on April 1. Every year I send her a text saying ‘Soz, ey. Am gettin U nowt for yr birfday.’ Then (because I’m so hilarious), I’ll knock on her door brandishing the finest bottle of Baileys helper that Aldi has to offer.

This year I decided to pull an April Fool’s prank again (because I find comfort in routine), but with a twist…

“Jenson!” I screamed down the phone. “I won’t mess you about this year! I’m coming round with your annual bottle of Hayleys. Will you be in?” “Yeah, am in,” she said. “All my family are on their way to see me so call up.”

It’s a big deal when Jen’s family call. See, she’s not a native. She actually moved here from Wales – the land of picturesque mountain ranges and long words that are composed entirely of consonants. I hadn’t met any of them in the flesh so I wanted to make a good first impression. I bought a few bags of Cheese XLs and some patties from the chippy so they could sample Cumbria’s finest culinary delights.

They were lovely and I could understand what they were saying, which was a bonus. Usually I can’t communicate with anyone outside of the county since West Cumbrian is my mother tongue. Once it took me and hour and a lot of scribbles on a napkin just to ask a Scottish fella where a car park was.

“Happy birthday llaaassss!” I exclaimed when I finally handed over a wrapped box. Excitedly, Jen tore off the wrapping.

“It’s a…oh, it’s a... it’s... empty.”

“April Fool!” I shouted. “I always say I’ve got you nothing so this year I didn’t! Well… I did actually buy the Hayleys but – hic!”

Jen’s actually going down to visit her family next month. I must say I’m surprised I wasn’t invited. Nah! I’m sure I will be. It must be a late April Fool…