Shelly Lofthouse

There were no roses for Shelley Lofthouse this Valentine's Day

Roses are red, violets are blue but washing up isn't romantic

What do Donald Trump, R Kelly and a pool float have in common?

I, like Oliver, just want to eat more food

Disneyland or not – a queue is still a queue!

Who cares about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding? I'd rather have a party with Jacob's Crackers

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Shopping frenzy sends me off my trolley!

Taking to the web in search of my festive boyfriend

Snake poop is no great shakes...

Struggling to cope with storm Emma

One rose fighting to be noticed

The universe was seething with poor me

Kids are back to school...well, almost

Fagged out by my gym excursion

I just need to retrieve my comfy kegs

I might be a tad indecisive, but I won’t kill you!

Chester’s the best man I’ll ever meet...

My body’s let me down – not in a cool way

I can forgive the fashion faux pas as dentist looked like Tom Hardy!

So Uber isn’t something German?

I’m on a diet – starting tomorrow

Talent shows are closest I come to voting

Necessities of life will come to you

Unfortunately, I’ve only got myself to blame

Stung by the criticism... and a wasp

Injured as first cut is the deepest

Song of my life proves a dead end

Circe got the send-off that she deserved

I love Easter, but my body doesn’t agree

When pain proves good for the sole

I’m growing old... very disgracefully

It’s not always easy finding your best side

Changing times for school kids

A lifesaver...but please bring my stuff back!

It’s my fault the NHS is on its knees

Young, thin mother has the Edge...

Stinky slippers are payback for my nasty ways

I am sick of all this adulting

My dreams have really come true

Pawel is the best £40 I ever spent

If I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have none at all

Don’t drink and eBay – unless it’s for magical wigs

Can 2017 Trump such a bad year?

An unimaginative imbecile always buys me soaps for secret Santa gift

Soul sister weighs up cost of living

A pet is for life, a partner not so much when they meet Hector

The eczema karma left me red faced

Ice-skating antics fail to save Dolly

Good luck as Donald comes up trumps!

Bonfire night has lost some of its sparkle

Leaving the Brexit door open for Lidl

My costume will render clowns useless

When my competitive streak appears, it can get nasty....

Chill out! I’ll find tights to protect you

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