Did everyone have a spooky Halloween? The only remotely terrifying thing that happened to me was getting my mobile bill. Well, that and I almost died.

No, it wasn’t death by network provider price plans. Believe it or not I was almost eaten by a mahoosive snake (true story).

It started on Saturday. Because the universe had decided to spite humanity and have Halloween fall on a Tuesday, the only real option was for everyone to get dressed up and celebrate All Hallows’ Eve on Saturday.

I was invited to various parties, some child friendly, some not. I opted for the latter seeing as though every day is Halloween when you’re stuck with my kids. The best invite I got was to a hip-hop themed party.

I found myself crammed into the corner beside a washing machine at a rather small terraced house that was filled way beyond its capacity. It was a ‘friend-of-a-friend’s’ party and soon the one person that I knew had disappeared.

I was a party orphan, standing having to listen to a Cockney guy dressed as a poor man’s Kanye West trying to explain to me what a saveloy was. Luckily the washing was on a spin cycle so I just did what everyone does when they haven’t got a clue what’s going on, smile and throw out a fake laugh intermittently.

I was quickly bored and my Nicki Minaj padding had become lodged between the washer and a Brabantia bin. As Kanye shouted about the various dips that accompany a saveloy, I utilised the vibrations from the washing machine to wiggle out of my fake bottom and sneak into the living room rocking what now looked like a pair of parachute pants.

If anyone was to ask I’d say I’d gone from Nicki to MC Hammer (being financially inept myself this also added an element of realness to the outfit).

In the living room someone had produced a rather large boa from somewhere. Not the feathery kind but a huge snake that seemed to be enjoying posing for pics with the party goers.

Being a crazy snake mommy myself I ran over and held out my arms like a kid begging for a slice of cheesecake. She slithered around me and I mouthed the words ‘she’s cuddling me’ as she wrapped her large, heavy self around my neck.

Despite the lack of oxygen to my brain I refused to let anyone else hold my new baby and planted myself on the floor with the snake and a prosecco whilst my pants acted as a built-in cushion. We were quite happy until all of a sudden her head shot up and everyone watched in horror as her mouth opened as wide as it possibly could. And I mean, snakes can open their mouths pretty wide – you could easily have fitted a Mini Metro in there.

A few people shrieked, some froze in fear and I, preparing to have my face bitten off, closed my eyes and calmly whispered the lyrics to Can’t Touch This.

I could feel the world’s biggest snake vibrating almost and as I waited to die I heard the world’s biggest parp. Opening my eyes it was clear to see she had a bit of wind so I snuggled her, you know, to comfort her.

Big mistake. If I was hoping to find a chap then now no-one could touch this. I walked home covered in snake poop. Wish I’d just stayed by the washer chatting about saveloys.