It's almost Halloween! The only time it’s deemed socially acceptable for me to venture outside wearing my regular clothes.

Have you all got your costumes?

I’m going all out this year. I’ve spent a fortune putting together the most terrifying and original costume I could think of.

Tonight, Matthew I’m going to be……..wait for it…..a witch.

Yeah, sorry about the anti-climax there, folks.

It’s a pretty good get-up, though. It took me a long time elbowing folk out of the way in Asda to get all the bits and pieces I needed.

One woman even had the audacity to race me over to the Halloween aisle and grab the last pointy hat.

It ended well for me though. I followed her around the store waiting for an opportunity to snatch it from her trolley.

Lady luck was on my side. I’m happy to say the woman in question spent just a little bit too long musing over toilet rolls.

God bless you Mr Andrex puppy!

So now I have a fabulously over-the-top conical wonder to wear alongside my coloured lenses, cape and stripey tights.

I’m gonna look a million quid come Halloween! Well, at least a fiver.

Good thing is that if I encounter any clowns on my walk down into town at 3pm with a bottle of Frosty Jack’s in tow, they’ll be rendered immobile by the sheer awesomeness of my gorgeous outfit.

My buddy, who’s going as a pirate for the seventh year in a row (way to save those pennies, Scrooge McDuck), is scared witless of clowns.

She’s adamant we’re getting a taxi into town but I’ve told her there’s no way I’m wasting three quid that could be better spent on some watered-down apple Sourz.

Ever the optimist, I was only able to view a possible ambush in a positive way: “Maybe they’re good looking under there?” I piped up.

“Maybe not!” she snapped back, agitated.

Well, I have a 50/50 chance, don’t I?

So long as it’s not Mr Trump I can’t complain.

Though if it was I would have to insist that he keeps his clown mask on at all times, and invest in at least a half-decent looking syrup of figs.

I’ve just read those last few sentences back to myself and realised just how dire a state my love life must be in. So sad.

But let us not dwell on sadness with such a joyous time just around the corner!

It’s not just about costumes, either – one of the most exciting gifts that Halloween has to offer is the opportunity to go trick or treating!

Just to clarify, I encourage trick or treating if you have made an effort and got a costume – not if you’re a couple of 20-something males knocking on doors in your joggers and caps and asking for cash in such a way that would leave even Arnie intimidated.

If you’re over the age of 10 and insist on scamming the locals out of their hard-earned cash, at least make a bit of an effort.

I know I’ll be making a few house calls en route to town – those apple Sourz won’t pay for themselves!

At least I’ll be able to flash folk some killer, Halloween-style togs.

Plus, if I’m doing the rounds there’ll be no clowns waiting to jump out on the young ones – they’ll be too busy taking off up the line, avoiding the lasso I’ve bought to snag any unfortunate chap for some smoochies.